


Crooked Room

by Hayloft (Auriel)



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, Demiboy Logic | Logan Sanders, Does this count as a highschool au?, Gen, I'll add tags as they come, I'll probably go back and tidy this up a bit later, Logan understands idioms and the like, Logic | Logan Sanders Angst, Logic | Logan Sanders Is A Good Friend, Logic | Logan Sanders-centric, Minor Original Character(s), Not Beta Read, Or at least he tries to be, Other, Trans Logic | Logan Sanders, just for Logan's girlfriend and virgil's boyfriend, not proofread really either, possible unsympathetic sides, slight vent fic, they don't mean to be- but they kind of are?
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-29
Updated: 2020-10-06
Packaged: 2021-03-06 01:42:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,207
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25585348
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Auriel/pseuds/Hayloft
Summary: "Oh I, I dream of a roomIn a crooked little houseUnder the crooked little moonWhere I can spend my timeWith books on every wallAnd a plant in every windowTo remind me of what I loveAnd the places in which I can find it" - Crooked Room by Stick and Poke---Warnings in tags, let me know if I need to add anything! This is a collection of scenes and will focus on Logan coping with all his struggles and the ups and downs of trying to recover while still in a toxic environment.
Relationships: Anxiety | Virgil & Logic | Logan & Morality | Patton, Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders & Logic | Logan Sanders, Minor or Background Relationship(s), The Dark Sides & Logic | Logan Sanders
Comments: 1
Kudos: 17





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This first chapter was written over the span of multiple weeks and takes place over that time- so the third scene is about a week after the second. This also turned into a miniature... "character study" for this fic a bit. Not too surprised, and there's likely going to be more drabbles written in a research or analysis like format. I hope you guys like this first chapter!

“Why would you put your stuff there?!” Logan sighed, attempting to ignore the yelling from downstairs. Writing away in his notebook he attempted to block the anger radiating from the kitchen out. _Everyone is always so angry. Why do they lash out constantly? People responding to simple little problems with yelling, anger, frustration… no one here seems to be able to talk about things rationally._

“Because there’s nowhere else to put it!” Ah, it’s mom and dad again. Switching tabs, he changes the playlist to a more… vent-like one. After all, if you have a hard time explaining and processing your emotions, why not music to describe it?

As Devil Town drones softly in the background, Logan manages to bring his focus back onto the project at hand. He was currently researching poisonous mushrooms and the effects on the human body- botany and wildlife had always interested him. Maybe he can try and get lost in his work again, that way he can forget about what’s happening down stairs.

\---

_CLANG!_ Suppressing a flinch, Logan quickly breaks down the dishes in the back, tossing them into the dirty dishes bin. His shift at work is about to end, and with it his internal panic slowly rises. He can’t afford to clock out too late- otherwise his brother will get angry again. An angry or frustrated Virgil equals an even more exhausted Logan. He found it funny almost, how Virgil seemed to pride himself in being able to respond the most rationally and break down a situation- despite his anxiety and overwhelming emotions- but didn’t seem to do a good job holding his emotions back. He would easily snap at people and go on the defensive, but that could also just be the fact that their family seems to _be_ snappy and angry a lot. Or maybe they were right… maybe he really should just learn to “read between the lines” more often- then they wouldn’t be reacting like this. He would be able to keep the peace better. There’d already been multiple instances too of his coworkers attempting to… “joke” with him- but they usually apologized or answered honestly when he gave them a blank ~~sometimes unconsciously hurt~~ look.

\---

Logan was exhausted. Just completely and utterly tired. It was after dinner now, Patton had gone up to their shared room already and Virgil had never come down in the first place. (He was too mad at their father). Turning to his mom, he finally spills what had been building up for weeks- months now. “Everyone in this house is so angry, all the time.” It’s silent for a minute- he’s hoping for a response. None comes. Both of them continue to scroll through their phones.

“Hey guys, I think the cat’s hiding under the sink cause of the thunder!” Oh, Patton _wasn’t_ in their room. At least the door had been shut up there anyway.

“That’s fine! Just leave her there for now!” his mom calls back. Oh. So she was ignoring what he said. That’s fine. He’ll just reiterate it. Once the door to their room shuts he brings it up again.

“It’s just that… everyone in this house gets _so_ angry _so_ quickly.” He’s playing with his food at this point. He should probably get up and clean it soon. “Like… both Patton and Virgil get so incredibly angry- and so do you, mom.” At this his mom finally graces him with a response.

“Well, we’re all human after all.” _that doesn’t give you a right to lash out at others constantly._

The conversation ends there.

\---

See, Logan likes to pride himself on being able to recognize and analyze people and their flaws. This includes himself. However, there’s been a running theme he’s noticed in his family: no one attempts to acknowledge or address their issues. Even Patton, the only one who’s gotten to stay in therapy, doesn’t seem to acknowledge them.

But that’s not too surprising, that’s just the kind of person he is. He’s the favourite (or at least, the _obvious_ favourite by their mom), yet he’s only younger than Logan by a minute. You wouldn’t think there’d be an easy and clear favouritism when it comes to a pair of twins. Patton tends to display a nice, sweet, kind, and wholesome personality to others. He attempts to seem pure to most. He’s only really ever let his… manipulative and gaslighting tendencies out towards Logan and occasionally their parents. _Don’t think about it don’t think about it don’t thINK ABOUT IT-_

… _8th grade… the following summer…_ Letting out a shudder, he tries to move on. Where was he? Oh, yes. Patton also tends to be a copycat of sorts- nothing done maliciously of course. It’s just his attempt of… fitting in? He tries too hard to please everyone, though, and has run himself into the ground multiple times due to this. Regardless of that, it _has_ allowed him to be a straight A student, ~~something Logan can never seem to achieve- no matter how hard he works.~~ He’s surprisingly good at manipulating, guilt-tripping, and gaslighting. However, he has shown to be slightly immature, likely due to the natural “people mature at different rates” belief. He struggles to take responsibility, though, and has trouble recognizing his flaws. He’s been trying though. He’s at least acknowledged the favouritism their mom shows him, and is attempting to use it and some… “light” manipulation and guilt tripping to their advantage. His only other major flaw is his anger. It’s been the same way for years- no matter how their parent’s have tried to reign it in. It’s incredibly volatile and explosive. One wrong move and you’ll suddenly be screamed at. It’s not… too out of place in their home though. Virgil can get just as angry.

However Virgil’s anger is sharp- less explosive but just as damaging. He strikes more with actions than volume. He’s also relatively quick to anger, and holds grudges over a mile long. However, for as snarky, sarcastic, and funny he can be one of his biggest obstacles is his mental health. Ranging from Depression, ODD, Anxiety, and Executive Dysfunction, he’s not coping too well with them. He still works his ass off in college to get straight A’s- and it pays off- but it also has lead to a hindrance on other responsibilities of his own. He _is_ the oldest, therefore the self-proclaimed “most mature” and has always been the first for everything- except getting a job. Logan’s the only one who has one right now. Virgil is also a good option to go to if you need to sort out your thoughts and get a second opinion on what is “bullshit”. There is the problem though of his black and white “i’m worthless and unlovable” to his “I am God and no one can touch me” attitude. He has a very tough love attitude, but that can easily turn into taking things too far and he has had a problem in the past of… _technically_ bullying Logan and Patton. Of course, people would probably call it just “siblings being siblings” but over time Logan’s been able to realize just how badly some of the constant comments affected him.

Over time though, Logan’s attempted to get better at ignoring those. He prides himself in being able to think and react logically most of the time. Of course, there’s still times where he slips up and makes a mistake or gets too overwhelmed with emotion. It’s not like he doesn’t feel them- trust him, he feels _plenty_ . Though he _does_ have a bad habit of attempting to repress his emotions when he deems them unhelpful. _Likely a habit developed because of having to play peacemaker all the time and not show weakness._ There’s also that recent phenomenon he discovered: Middle Child Syndrome. Sadly, he checks out for having it.

He also has a problem of seeking validation or for others to tell him who he is, this also feeds into his problem of breaking himself down into only hobbies, things he’s done and achieved, and what he looks like. But his identity issues are for another day. He tries to be nice and welcoming, a peaceful and approachable person. _I think it works, but you have a lot of emotionally or mentally hurt people coming to you for help because of that._ However he can be pretty oblivious to how someone is feeling or how they interpret certain things (or how _he’s_ supposed to). This does lead to him being used as the family vent channel or sounding board though, and it does get to be a bit much sometimes. _I wish I didn’t know that you almost divorced again- please please please don’t do that. I don’t know if I could handle that._

On the other hand to all of this, though, he has his girlfriend in his corner. Now that he has a job he can afford to get some gifts for her too! He’s incredibly thankful for how she is so understanding to him needing space a lot, as well as the… unspoken but fairly obvious fear of intimacy. The bonus to both him and his girlfriend being trans though is that they have an intimate understanding of their gender identity struggles. _God, I love her so much. I can’t wait to get her some more comfortable and gender-affirming clothing!_ He hasn’t come out to his parents yet though, his dad knows he’s bi though. The only people who really know he’s trans are his friends, Patton and Virgil, and his girlfriend.

The most obvious reason as to why he hasn’t come out though is his mom. She tries her best to be a loving and caring mother, but oh does she fall short sometimes. She’s very emotionally driven, leading her to be one of the worst when it comes to how quick she is to anger. As mentioned before, Patton has even noticed her favouritism towards him. She can be incredibly immature for a parent though, purposefully saying unnecessary things that can make a situation worse or instigate a fight.

_Logan breathed in a harsh breath, feeling the tears begin the creep. “I’m going to go, we can continue this later once I’ve calmed down-”_

_“No! You aren’t leaving yet!” Dad’s blocking the door, he can’t get around- he’s trapped he’s trapped he’s trAPPED HE'S TRAPPED-_

_“Please, just let me out, we'll continue this later.”_

_“No, you aren’t going anywhere until we’re finished with this conversation.”_

_“Fine then.” hurry hurry hurry hurry-_

_He’s made it into their bathroom, holding their door shut so they can’t pry it open. He takes a minute to let the tears fall, let the emotions out, and then calm down. He_ has _to stay calm. He can’t let them see him cry. Once he’s calmed down enough and wiped his tears he walks back out, a frustrated look on his face._

_They go at it again, and eventually he says fuck it. He starts yelling back, attempting to ignore the choked quality to his voice. “You’re not_ listening! _I’ve already told you multiple times, I didn’t_ know _he took that as a dismissal! He should’ve asked up front if I would still buy him the drink! I’m not good at reading between the lines!”_

_“Then_ learn _to!” his dad’s only comment this entire time. Finally his mom just sighs, and motions to the door._

_“Go ahead and let him out.” It takes a bit, but eventually his dad moves. He hurries from there, trying to pass it off as anything_ but _fleeing._

God, why can’t he stop thinking about that day? It’s been over a week now. At least Patton had been angry when he’d told him. They’d started to grow a bit closer lately. Virgil had brushed it off in favour of focusing on him telling his side of the story, which was in Virgil’s eyes “wrong”... Thinking back on it, it’s kind of sad how Patton and him have started to get closer. Simply because ~~8th grade is over~~ their mom refuses to acknowledge any mental illnesses they think they could have. Ironic though, since she herself has depression and anxiety. She also believed her mother had an undiagnosed form of schizophrenia, so he doesn’t understand why she’s so hesitant.

His dad on the other hand is too lenient and complacent, he’s too easy going and puts up with too much from everyone else- including Logan on occasion. He can be pretty impatient, but he tries his best to stay positive and be there for his kids. Logan’s proud of him though, he’s been getting better about showing his emotions and sharing things that he enjoys or that make him laugh. He's the only other one not really quick to anger.

Sometimes it feels like all there _is_ is anger.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Exploring Logan's... job.. and his love for music! Sorry this took so long to get out, I had the middle written for over a month and chapter 5 and 6 written out as well but chapter 3 and 4 were kicking my ass! This isn't quite up to par in my mind, but I hope you all enjoy! Next chapter will post a week from now hopefully.

The scent of spring filled the night air, filling Logan with a peacefulness he hasn’t felt in ages. He lets out a sigh as he finally speaks up. “So, where are we to go first?” His dad shrugs, offhandedly commenting on how the concert will start at six, so they have plenty of time. Nodding, he glances around. He loves downtown with a passion, the old brick buildings, the antique shops, the music, it was wonderful. And tonight, they got the opportunity to attend the Art Crawl.

Noting that the old glass blowing shop seemed to go out of business he slouches over and whines, “Aw damn it, I wanted to see the glass blowing again.” His dad laughs,

“Oh well, there’s plenty of other places open tonight.”

“Fair point, at least there’s so many art galleries down here.” It wouldn’t matter anyway, he knew that we would get enamored with any and all street musicians playing tonight. His dad might get impatient, however Logan seriously doubts that. They came down here due to their shared love for music ~~and the fact that their relationship is the most calm and stable~~ ~~.~~ Thinking back to years ago, he recalls the one thing his dad said that stuck with him forever. It wasn’t anything profound, but on days in the future (after he would recover from his depression) where he would feel left out or worthless they would come to offer a faint hint of bittersweet comfort.

“ _I saved my favourite kid for last, after all!”_ on more bitter days, he would wonder if his dad would feel the same in the future. He knows that Logan is Bisexual, but he doesn’t know that he’s trans. ‘ _Would he still love me the same if he knew?’_ he won’t know until long in the future.

Regardless, he would still love his dad. Personally, his dad is his favourite out of their family as well. While it could get annoying taking detours or waiting while he played Pokemon Go, he would laugh and blast music in the car. Truly, he loves his dad- and he knows his dad loves him as well. From sending any recipes he thinks he will like, to checking out books, CDs, and movies that he thinks Logan will like, his dad shows that he cares in little ways.

That’s one of the reasons, he thinks back on it, that he’s been so excited for this day to come. When his dad and him can spend time together there is no fighting, no yelling, no tension. Things that he longs for. It helps when they can go out and bond by exercising together, as no one else in their family likes to.

\---

Popping his back, Logan settles down into the booth most isolated. He’s working a double shift again, but this time he has a two hour gap for his lunch break. _Might as well do something useful._ Taking a sip of his drink ( _“Wait- did you just make the drink for Davin?”_

_“Yea… oh we made double”_

_“What should I do with it?”_

_“Just keep it or dump it out”)_ He opens his lunch. He brought a healthy variety today, but that’s also largely due to working eight to nine hours in one day- can’t have him fainting on the job after all. As he makes his way through his sandwich, he digs out his laptop- opening up to the… “research”... he had written in his personal Discord server. It was certainly a great idea to have one, so now he has a place to vent when he doesn’t want to bother people, a place to keep his (non professional) work.

“Research about Bipolar disorder and Middle Child Syndrome”

Both are separated into two categories: Symptoms, what it is, and diagnosis qualifications according to the DSM5 and then what he tends to exhibit or symptoms he personally experiences. As he writes, he feels himself shift into Logic Mode and becomes detached from himself, not quite dissociating but more of looking at strictly facts alone. He writes as if it was about someone else, analyzing every little detail.

After all, he needs to feel secure in himself- sure of what he is presenting ~~he has been for months though~~ ~~.~~ Otherwise his mom won’t believe him and get him tested. ~~_She already didn’t even though the doctor told her too- what will THIS do?_~~ _._ If he presents it clearly and in a paper or powerpoint format, like Patton did for his ADHD, surely she’ll believe him right? ~~_No she won’t, he knows this and yet tries to not acknowledge it._~~ _I mean, we clearly have the money NOW since we can get Patton tested, right? I came to mom about my issues first, it’s been over half a year. She said we couldn’t afford the psychiatrist back then, but maybe we can now._ ~~ _But how much of that was a lie? Virgil only found out about his ODD this year because your mom thought the test was bullshit- how do you know she won’t do the same to you?_ ** _WHY WON’T SHE LISTEN TO US?!_** _Observer, please calm down!!_ ** _NO! I’m sick and tired of this bullshit!_** _Shut up guys, we can’t focus! We can’t be angry right now, Logan’s trying to write!_~~

Frowning, he looks at the time. Oh yea… ten minutes till he has to get back to work. Quickly skimming the document he smiles, satisfied with his work. While it was all kind of a blur, he still remembers writing all of it and the fun he had researching again. ~~_And the overwhelming anger screaming in the back of his head, a writhing mass of black with a barely solid shape. Hair barely reaching the shoulders and a pair of whit eyes, occasionally hidden by glasses with oozing tentacles thrashing about, mouth open in a furious scream._ ~~ Finishing the last section on Depression symptoms he experiences, combined with his history of it and previous diagnosis of Major Depression, he thinks that it looks good overall. He’d finished the Middle Child Syndrome first, not too surprised that he fit the criteria for it. _It’s interesting, especially since it’s not technically a legitimate disorder, but a collection of symptoms that are all due to poor parenting as well. I would love to look into this more! Psychology and science are always so interesting._


End file.
